Vacate
by My Vantilene
Summary: Dave just wants to visit his best friend for Thanksgiving break, but the whole world and its mother seems dead-set on making sure that doesn't happen.


- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

EB: dave! ! ! ! !

TG: oh my god calm down man you sound like jade

EB: sorry. its just kind of exciting dont you think?

TG: what is

TG: who died

EB: no one died!

TG: it was the pope wasnt it

TG: who am i even kidding of course it wasnt the pope

TG: that bastard is going to live forever i mean have you seen him

EB: yes dave ive seen the pope

TG: yeah but have you

TG: seen him like i mean really seen him

TG: . /tumblr_maz7ihg2Ih1rhczmvo1_

TG: hes going to out live all of us just you watch

EB: ok i get it dave haha

EB: but seriously youve gotta be at least apathetically excited.

TG: apathetically excited

EB: ok you know what i mean.

TG: do i

EB: oh my god just stop. i have to leave for piano lessons in a couple minutes.

EB: work with me here.

TG: alright yeah im apathetically excited

EB: apathetically excited?

TG: your words man not mine

TG: oh no

TG: you meant

TG: ok yeah im actually excited

TG: yo

TG: dude

TG: where are you bro

TG: did my unironic excitement scare you off man

TG: bro

TG: bro

TG: broski

TG: broseph

TG: brohan

TG: brodeo

TG: brosicle

TG: brocean

TG: brofessor

TG: brosideon

TG: broba fett

TG: brohemian

TG: brotato chip

TG: brohammad

TG: bromosapien

TG: brotein shake

TG: brorontosaurus

TG: broesph stalin

TG: abroham lincoln

TG: brorack bromama

TG: brorannasaurus rex

TG: come on man that was the whole bro list

TG: i just went through the whole bro list

TG: what does that tell you about our situation

TG: think egbert

TG: ill give you a hint

TG: it begins with

TG: dire

TG: and ends with

TG:

TG: so yeah

TG: just dire

TG: i dont mean just dire as in its enough

TG: this situation is plenty dire

- ectobiologist [EB] has become an idle chum -

TG: really

TG: long distance is so fucked up

TG: i couldnt have been told that like five minutes ago

TG: before i went through the bro list

TG: you know

TG: the sad thing is i actually had to look it up

TG: now bro list is on my history

TG: fuck you too egbert

- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -

Dave pushes his chair away from the computer and rubs his red-rimmed and red-iris eyes in exasperation. Having his best friend live states away is a lot harder when the dork's always so busy. The guy must be in at least fifty clubs and taking a minimum of three AP classes to be this booked. He's hardly ever on when he needs him to be. But that's mostly because Dave has nothing to do all day before Bro gets home from work, or when Bro works from home and kicks him out of the apartment. He always makes sure to bring his PDA out with him, so he can talk to Rose or Jade or John when he's available. Over all, his evenings roaming the streets of downtown Dallas are mostly spent talking to Jade. The girl's on a deserted island by herself, she needs someone to talk to. And Dave might as well be an island himself with all the social interaction he has daily.

His computer chirps ripely.

Okay, so maybe he does get some social interaction during his day, but it's still considerably lower than average.

He muses to himself that maybe he should get some supplements for that.

Friend vitamins.

No, that's dumb.

- apocalypseArisen [AA] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

AA: hey dave

TG: sup babe

AA: i need a favor

TG: anything

TG: except murdering the pope

TG: because its impossible

AA: you dont know until you try

TG: you dont try until you know

AA: 0_0

AA: touche

TG: thats right aradia

TG: ive been studying the pope

TG: but i wont try anything until i do know

AA: 0_0

TG: until i know his secrets i mean

TG: the secret to killing him you know

AA: i got it

TG: knew youd see it my way

TG: so this favor of yours

AA: oh right

AA: but first i need to know something

AA: is it true youre friends with john

TG: travolta

TG: yeah me and him are tight

AA: no

AA: egbert

TG: you know egbert

AA: yes and i was hoping

TG: you know egbert

AA: yeah

TG: how is that even possible

TG: why have you never mentioned this to me before

TG: you've gone to school with me for what

TG: twenty six years

AA: it cant be that many

TG: twenty six years

TG: twetny six whole years and you think you know a girl

AA: i met egbert a few weeks ago

AA: theres this weird pesterchum side bar thing that suggests mutual chums

AA: you havent noticed that

TG: no what are you talking about

TG: oh

TG: i see what you're talking about

TG: wait

TG: whos twinarmageddons

AA: no one! !

TG: are those two exclamation marks i see

AA: they identify as excitement poles

AA: but in this case they are very unexcited

AA: lackluster poles

AA: really apathetic lackluter poles

TG: apathetically excited

AA: no

TG: egbert's words not mine

TG: hey aradia

TG: what if i chat up twinarmewhattits

AA: that's not a very good idea

TG: oh

AA: what

AA: what is oh

AA: dave this is not the time

AA: dave

TG: my cursor

AA: what about your cursor

AA: dave stay with us

AA: someone call a doctor

TG: my cursor

TG: its acting up on its own

AA: no

AA: dave

AA: cursors don't do that

TG: this is weird

TG: it's going towards

AA: dave no

TG: ta

TG: that is the weirdest thing

AA: please no

AA: dave

AA: dave?

AA: dave!

AA: don't talk to him!

TG: ta says hi

TG: also that you have a great butt

TG: that is so nice of him

TG: aradia

- apocalypseArisen [AA] has ceased pesting turntechGodhead [TG] -

TG: aww

TG: was it something ta said

- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] -

- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

AA: he never said that!

AA: you jerk

AA: i still need that favor

AA: dave

But by the time TA had told Aradia that he had no idea who turntechGodhead was, Dave was already in the kitchen, preparing a nice, rich hotpocket. He unwraps the salty pastry with the apathetic excitement of a coolkid on Christmas and places it into the microwave as delicately as he could while still actually moving it.

1:00

He steps back from the microwave and watches in un-apathetic excitement (because hotpckets are hot shit) as the savory treat rotiserates.

0:52

0:51

0:50

0:49

"I see pepperoni is a favorite."

0:49

0:48

"Shit." He lifts a hand to his heart and takes a deep breath.

0:47

0:46

"Bro, what the fuck."

0:45

"I don't know, you're the one who insists on pepperoni. I'm telling you, if you just open your mind to the wonder of ham and cheese -"

0:41

"And have to fight you tooth and nail for every meal."

0:38

"I'll pass."

0:37

Bro gives a shark-toothed grin as he leans against the doorpost.

0:36

"Nothing gets past you."

0:35

0:34

"Yeah, not even your sick obsession with sparring me."

0:33

0:32

"Whoa, buddy. If we're calling each other out on obsessions, then the amount of time you spend staring at a computer screen should definitely be brought to the jury's attention."

0:27

0:26

"Jury. Okay. Well how about your puppet websites then?"

0:25

0:24

"Hey, I said obsessions, not genius buisness pursuits which is what paid for that hotpocket, you ungrateful little bitch."

0:21

"Even us coolguys can only take so much of downy puppet ass." he gave a small, ironic shiver.

0:17

"I bet. Well, what about the ones I found in the attic."

0:15

"I thought that was obvious."

0:13

Bro ruffled his hair.

0:11

0:10

0:09

"It was to mess with you, man."

0:08

"I think the jury should also note that as an obsession."

0:07

0:06

"Passtime, lil dude. Passtimes and obessions are two completely differnt things."

0:03

0:02

"Yeah, well -"

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

"Here's your hotpocket." Bro flashstepped to the microwave and offered its delicious contents to the kitchen's only patron.

"Ow, hot." he threw it at Dave and flashstepped back to his own room.

"Ah!" Dave threw it onto a plate in searing panic.

Before even inspecting the wound on his arm, he turns on the faucet and runs his entire left side under the cool, cool water. He gives a coolkid sigh of apathetic relief. God, those things are a thousand degrees when you first take them out. Shit be leathal, yo.

Like after every exchange he's had with his bro before, he's left confused and disorientated. He couldn't recall what even got them on the subject of obsessions or how they got an entire jury so fast, but he smiles a small, ironic smile because at least he's not being kicked out of the apartment or left alone all day.

It might be weird to outsiders, but this is Dave's family. A leathal as shit hotpocket, a smuppet-website owner, and an outdated computer.


End file.
